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Biggest Revelations From Josh Hawley’s New Book ‘Manhood’


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Controversial Missouri Senator Josh Hawley is releasing a new book titled Manhood: The Masculine Virtues Americans Need as a defense of masculinity and its role in American democracy. While the book won’t be released for nearly a year, The Onion was able to secure an early draft. Here are the biggest revelations in Manhood.

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Hawley Was Voted His High School Class’s ‘Most Likely To Flee An Insurrection’

Hawley Was Voted His High School Class’s ‘Most Likely To Flee An Insurrection’

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His former classmates noticed his cowardice even back then.

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Masculinity Is Under Attack

Masculinity Is Under Attack

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Women are trying to destroy the beloved male traits of violence and misogyny.

4 / 22

Real Men Have At Least A 90% NRA Approval Rating

Real Men Have At Least A 90% NRA Approval Rating

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The one quantifiable measure of masculinity is how strongly you can resist passing gun control reform in the face of weekly massacres of school children.

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Hawley Grew Up In Manhood, MO

Hawley Grew Up In Manhood, MO

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The book centers on life in the slow country town of Hawley’s youth.

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Hawley Blames The Masculinity Crisis On Olaf From ‘Frozen’

Hawley Blames The Masculinity Crisis On Olaf From ‘Frozen’

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“No one has done more damage to American masculinity than Olaf,” Hawley writes. “He is made of snow. He will never be a real man.”

There Is No Male Nudity

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So don’t waste your time looking.

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Hawley Decries The Lack Of Men In The WNBA

Hawley Decries The Lack Of Men In The WNBA

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Sexism, plain and dry.

9 / 22

Real Men Don’t Need Access To Affordable Healthcare

Real Men Don’t Need Access To Affordable Healthcare

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Explaining his opposition to ObamaCare, Hawley argues testosterone is a natural remedy for any ailment.

10 / 22

Evil Witches Slip Into Your Bedroom At Night To Siphon Away Your Masculinity

Evil Witches Slip Into Your Bedroom At Night To Siphon Away Your Masculinity

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Sprinkle salt around your bed at dusk to ward off these harpies.

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They Don’t Even Put Words In These Political Prop Books Anymore

They Don’t Even Put Words In These Political Prop Books Anymore

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Most of the book is just the words “placeholder” and “Josh Hawley TK” repeated in different fonts.

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He Can’t Write A Sex Scene To Save His Life

He Can’t Write A Sex Scene To Save His Life

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The number of adverbs and split infinitives that distract from any erotic content is one thing. But phrases like “sweatily fumbling ball of limbs” are barely comprehensible, let alone titillating.

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Michael Connelly Will Really Give A Blurb For Anything

Michael Connelly Will Really Give A Blurb For Anything

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Does an endorsement from the master of suspense really mean anything at this point?

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It Focuses On The Traits That Define Manhood

It Focuses On The Traits That Define Manhood

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Several chapters are devoted to penis size, penis length, penis girth, penis area, penis agility, penis responsiveness, penis resilience, and penis decorum.

15 / 22

He Believes Missouri Is The 27th Or 28th Best State

He Believes Missouri Is The 27th Or 28th Best State

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He repeatedly stresses that he is fine but not especially thrilled with representing the mediocre people of Missouri.

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Hawley Says His Wife Is A 7

Hawley Says His Wife Is A 7

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The Missouri senator goes on to argue that 7 is “actually quite good” and “far above average for the typical U.S. female.”

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His Favorite Shape Is A Rhombus

His Favorite Shape Is A Rhombus

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Obviously not expecting anyone to make it that far in the book, the last couple chapters are just rambling observations about his favorite shapes and colors.

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Hawley Shares A List Of Things That Are Appropriate And Not Appropriate For American Men To Masturbate To

Hawley Shares A List Of Things That Are Appropriate And Not Appropriate For American Men To Masturbate To

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Appropriate: A blonde bison, breasts oozing apple pie filling, a nun in a cowboy hat. Inappropriate: Two robots kissing.

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Hawley Has Never Tried Fruit

Hawley Has Never Tried Fruit

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And he’s not going to, no matter how much his wife begs because he’s the head of the household.

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All Proceeds From Book Sales Will Go Toward Hawley’s Skull-Reshaping Surgery

All Proceeds From Book Sales Will Go Toward Hawley’s Skull-Reshaping Surgery

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If there’s any money left after that, he’s going to get limb-lengthening surgery too.

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He Can’t Fucking Believe He’s Still In Congress

He Can’t Fucking Believe He’s Still In Congress

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Chapter 12 details how floored he remains that his Democratic colleagues are too cowardly to hold him accountable for clearly seditious acts.



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