Controversial Missouri Senator Josh Hawley is releasing a new book titled Manhood: The Masculine Virtues Americans Need as a defense of masculinity and its role in American democracy. While the book won’t be released for nearly a year, The Onion was able to secure an early draft. Here are the biggest revelations in Manhood.
2 / 22
Hawley Was Voted His High School Class’s ‘Most Likely To Flee An Insurrection’
Hawley Was Voted His High School Class’s ‘Most Likely To Flee An Insurrection’
His former classmates noticed his cowardice even back then.
3 / 22
Masculinity Is Under Attack
Masculinity Is Under Attack
Women are trying to destroy the beloved male traits of violence and misogyny.
4 / 22
Real Men Have At Least A 90% NRA Approval Rating
Real Men Have At Least A 90% NRA Approval Rating
The one quantifiable measure of masculinity is how strongly you can resist passing gun control reform in the face of weekly massacres of school children.
5 / 22
Hawley Grew Up In Manhood, MO
Hawley Grew Up In Manhood, MO
The book centers on life in the slow country town of Hawley’s youth.
6 / 22
Hawley Blames The Masculinity Crisis On Olaf From ‘Frozen’
Hawley Blames The Masculinity Crisis On Olaf From ‘Frozen’
“No one has done more damage to American masculinity than Olaf,” Hawley writes. “He is made of snow. He will never be a real man.”
There Is No Male Nudity
So don’t waste your time looking.
8 / 22
Hawley Decries The Lack Of Men In The WNBA
Hawley Decries The Lack Of Men In The WNBA
Sexism, plain and dry.
9 / 22
Real Men Don’t Need Access To Affordable Healthcare
Real Men Don’t Need Access To Affordable Healthcare
Explaining his opposition to ObamaCare, Hawley argues testosterone is a natural remedy for any ailment.
10 / 22
Evil Witches Slip Into Your Bedroom At Night To Siphon Away Your Masculinity
Evil Witches Slip Into Your Bedroom At Night To Siphon Away Your Masculinity
Sprinkle salt around your bed at dusk to ward off these harpies.
11 / 22
They Don’t Even Put Words In These Political Prop Books Anymore
They Don’t Even Put Words In These Political Prop Books Anymore
Most of the book is just the words “placeholder” and “Josh Hawley TK” repeated in different fonts.
12 / 22
He Can’t Write A Sex Scene To Save His Life
He Can’t Write A Sex Scene To Save His Life
The number of adverbs and split infinitives that distract from any erotic content is one thing. But phrases like “sweatily fumbling ball of limbs” are barely comprehensible, let alone titillating.
13 / 22
Michael Connelly Will Really Give A Blurb For Anything
Michael Connelly Will Really Give A Blurb For Anything
Does an endorsement from the master of suspense really mean anything at this point?
14 / 22
It Focuses On The Traits That Define Manhood
It Focuses On The Traits That Define Manhood
Several chapters are devoted to penis size, penis length, penis girth, penis area, penis agility, penis responsiveness, penis resilience, and penis decorum.
15 / 22
He Believes Missouri Is The 27th Or 28th Best State
He Believes Missouri Is The 27th Or 28th Best State
He repeatedly stresses that he is fine but not especially thrilled with representing the mediocre people of Missouri.
16 / 22
Hawley Says His Wife Is A 7
Hawley Says His Wife Is A 7
The Missouri senator goes on to argue that 7 is “actually quite good” and “far above average for the typical U.S. female.”
17 / 22
His Favorite Shape Is A Rhombus
His Favorite Shape Is A Rhombus
Obviously not expecting anyone to make it that far in the book, the last couple chapters are just rambling observations about his favorite shapes and colors.
18 / 22
Hawley Shares A List Of Things That Are Appropriate And Not Appropriate For American Men To Masturbate To
Hawley Shares A List Of Things That Are Appropriate And Not Appropriate For American Men To Masturbate To
Appropriate: A blonde bison, breasts oozing apple pie filling, a nun in a cowboy hat. Inappropriate: Two robots kissing.
19 / 22
Hawley Has Never Tried Fruit
Hawley Has Never Tried Fruit
And he’s not going to, no matter how much his wife begs because he’s the head of the household.
20 / 22
All Proceeds From Book Sales Will Go Toward Hawley’s Skull-Reshaping Surgery
All Proceeds From Book Sales Will Go Toward Hawley’s Skull-Reshaping Surgery
If there’s any money left after that, he’s going to get limb-lengthening surgery too.
21 / 22
He Can’t Fucking Believe He’s Still In Congress
He Can’t Fucking Believe He’s Still In Congress
Chapter 12 details how floored he remains that his Democratic colleagues are too cowardly to hold him accountable for clearly seditious acts.