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Californians Explain Why They Should Secede From The Nation


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The controversial CalExit movement posits that state of California should secede from the United States and become its own sovereign nation. The Onion asked Californians why they supported it, and this is what they said.

Ken ​Ruan (Archivist)

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“​I can’t afford to move, but I’ve always wanted to live abroad.”

3 / 20

​Sophia West (​Cybersecurity Consultant)

​Sophia West (​Cybersecurity Consultant)

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“I assume all federal charges would be dropped.”

4 / 20

Brady Mann (Recreation & Fitness Worker)

Brady Mann (Recreation & Fitness Worker)

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“Why should we be governed by greedy, out-of-touch millionaires in Washington, D.C. when we have greedy, out-of-touch billionaires right here?”

5 / 20

Lucy Henderson (Investment Banker)

Lucy Henderson (Investment Banker)

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“We would be the only country with a bear on its flag! All other nations would tremble before us, except possibly Albania and it’s mighty two-headed Eagle.”

6 / 20

Kevin Feige (Marvel Studios President)

Kevin Feige (Marvel Studios President)

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“It would really help shore up our international box office numbers.”

7 / 20

Austin Gutierrez (Bus Driver)

Austin Gutierrez (Bus Driver)

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“We could do cool money. Like weird shapes and colors. Could be fun.”

Greg Gershwin (Barista)

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“Taxes, I think?”

Victor Harper (Foreman)

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“He who controls the almonds, controls the universe.”

10 / 20

Matías Carrera (Aviation Mechanic)

Matías Carrera (Aviation Mechanic)

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“I’ve always thought it’s about time we paid a lot more money to import water from elsewhere.”

11 / 20

Nathaniel Mitchum (Actor)

Nathaniel Mitchum (Actor)

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“I’d rather be governed by SAG-AFTRA bylaws than the Constitution.”

12 / 20

Thomas Riley (Science Teacher)

Thomas Riley (Science Teacher)

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“If we seceded, California would officially be named the ninth planet in the solar system.”

13 / 20

Harriet Godwin (ICE Officer)

Harriet Godwin (ICE Officer)

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“I’m tickled by the idea that there will be more immigrants to dehumanize.”

Mary Coe (Teacher)

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“I can’t have my kids grow up in a country where there’s ugly people.”

15 / 20

Jackson Estevez (Plumber)

Jackson Estevez (Plumber)

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“I’m extremely impressionable and always 100% down for the most recent plan I hear about.”

16 / 20

Gregg Kauffman (Sommelier)

Gregg Kauffman (Sommelier)

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“It’s embarrassing to call Michigan winemakers your countrymen.”

Deena Williams (Nurse)

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“With all the venture capital funds, we could probably create an even more fucked up healthcare system of our own.”

18 / 20

Isabella Anjou (Influencer)

Isabella Anjou (Influencer)

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“My agent said it would be really good for my brand.”

Letitia Peters (Dentist)

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“It would just be nice to beat Texas at something.”



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