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Masked, Visibly Erect Republicans Condemn Cawthorn’s Cocaine Orgy Claims As Patently False


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WASHINGTON—In a powerful rebuke of the congressman’s claims that govt officers invited him to orgies and presented him cocaine, a number of masked, visibly erect Republicans condemned Rep. Madison Cawthorn (R-NC) on Friday, calling his accusations patently false. “What Madison Cawthorn said about myself and my colleagues was totally unacceptable, and I assure you that elected officials would never participate in such disgusting, illicit activities,” mentioned House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), who, after snorting a line of stimulants off a masked Republican’s naked chest, unleashed a noisy scream, punched his lectern, and started passionately kissing and disrobing 4 of the representatives status at the back of him. “I can promise you as a Republican who has proudly served in Congress for 15 years that obscene depravities of this kind simply do not take place in Washington. As for Cawthorn, well, mmm, ohhh. Oh baby. Yeah, that’s the spot. Yeah, yeah, keep going. Harder. Harder.” At press time, the masked, nude Republicans may just now not be reached for remark, as that they had all handed out in a drug-induced postcoital slumber.



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