WASHINGTON—Remarking how nice it was to get out of the house and do something active for once, citizens of the United States of America shared a romantic date Friday on a 330 million-person tandem bike. “Oh wow, I love feeling the breeze in my hair, and being able to explore our surroundings in such a new and exciting way,” said the delighted U.S. populace, which simultaneously rode the 2,800-mile-long bike across 22,000 parks, 4,000 river fronts, and 17,000 adorable downtown areas. “I’m so happy we decided to do this. I feel like we really get to learn about each other and work together as a team. Hey, Nebraska! You have to pedal, or else we’re never going to make it across the Great Plains in time for lunch.” At press time, all 330 Americans had reportedly gotten into a blowout fight after the entire Midwest got caught on over 100,000 miles of train tracks and the tandem bike toppled over.