CHICAGO—In accordance with the advantageous print in his contract, The Onion’s intern Sam Kotson was once pressured right into a starvation strike Thursday, a protest that may proceed till Twitter lifts our ban. “As of this morning, our low-level unpaid intern will be forcibly compelled to forgo all food until Twitter ends its malignant campaign of censorship and reinstates The Onion’s account,” mentioned Onion HR consultant Elina Haskett, explaining that Kotson, who have been handcuffed and shackled to a forged iron pipe, can be required to abstain from water along with meals in the course of the Twitter ban. “We have used ipecac to induce vomiting, ensuring that the intern starts off from a baseline of no food in his stomach. Soon, that same stomach will begin to digest itself in a desperate attempt to consume something, anything to stave off assured starvation. We hope Twitter does the right thing and revokes the ban on our account before something tragic happens.” At press time, our intern’s fragile lifestyles was once reportedly within the arms of Twitter’s board of administrators.